Have you ever loved someone so much that the thought of losing them scared you?

May be you have thought :  “I don’t know what I would do without this person.”

“I just can’t let them go.” “I know this relationship is hurting me, but I still love them.”

Sometimes, we think this is what deep love feels like.

But is it? Sometimes it is love. And sometimes, it is attachment.

The difficult part is that love and attachment can feel very similar.

Both can make you think about someone all day. Both can make you miss someone. Both can make you want to be close to them.

So how do you know the difference?

I think the better question is –

 “What happens to me when I am afraid of losing them?”

Love And Attachment Look Very Similar

When you love someone :

• You care about them.
• You want them to be happy.
• You want to spend time with them.
• You miss them when they are away.
• You want to support them when life becomes difficult.

But attachment can look exactly the same.

• Sometimes, we may even use another person’s attachment to our advantage. We know they are emotionally attached to us, and we begin to take their love, patience or availability for granted., without honesty.
• You care about where they are.
• You want to know what they are doing.
• You want their attention.
• You feel good when they give you reassurance.

And when they don’t, your mind starts asking questions.

• Why didn’t they call?
• Why are they behaving differently?
• Do they still love me?
• Is there someone else?
• What if they leave?

And suddenly, your entire emotional state depends on how the other person is behaving !

The intensity does not always mean love.

Sometimes, intensity is fear.

Love Gives You Space. Attachment Makes You Hold Tighter.

Think about holding someone’s hand.

There is a difference between holding someone’s hand and gripping it because you’re afraid they will walk away. Love holds someone close without trying to control them.

Scared of being alone. Scared of being rejected. Scared that you won’t find someone else. Scared that losing them means losing a part of yourself. And sometimes that fear becomes so strong that we start doing things we wouldn’t normally do. We stop speaking. We stop saying what hurts us.

And then we tell ourselves: “I’m doing all this because I love them.”

Are You Still Yourself In Relationship?

This is one of the questions I find most important. When you are with someone you love :

• Do you still feel like yourself?
• Can you say what you really think?
• Can you have your own friends?
• Can you have your own interests?
• Can you disagree without feeling that the relationship is in danger?
• Can you tell them when something has hurt you?

Or are you constantly thinking:

• “If I say this, they might get angry.”
• “If I ask for this, they might leave.”
• “Maybe I should just adjust.”
• “It’s okay. I can manage.”

And slowly, without noticing, you become smaller inside the relationship. You may still be together. But you are no longer fully yourself.

Sometimes We Are Attached To What The Person Gives Us

And here is another uncomfortable question I sometimes ask

• Do you love the person? Or are you attached to how they make you feel?
• Maybe they make you feel safe and comfortable. Maybe they give you the attention you have been craving for years.
• Maybe being with them makes you feel that, finally, someone has chosen you.

There is nothing wrong with wanting these things. We all want to feel loved and valued.

But if your sense of worth completely depends on another person continuing to give these things to you, it can become very difficult to know where love ends and attachment begins.

Because then you are not only afraid of losing the person. You are afraid of losing the version of yourself that exists when they choose you.

Love Doesn’t Mean You Need Someone To Complete You

A relationship can add happiness to your life. It can give you companionship, comfort, friendship, intimacy, care and support.

But another person cannot become the answer to everything inside you.

You can love someone deeply and still be okay on your own.

You can miss someone and still have your own life.

You can want someone without feeling that you cannot survive without them.

Without saying: – “I need you, otherwise I am nothing.”

Hold Gently

There is a beautiful idea in yogic philosophy called aparigraha, which is often talk about and understood as non-possessiveness.

I think about it simply as learning to hold without clutching. When you love someone :

• You don’t have to hold them so tightly that they cannot breathe and suffocate.
• You can love them and give them space.
• You can care about them without controlling them.
• You can be committed to them without making them responsible for your entire happiness, your work, your responsibility!
• You can allow them to be themselves.
• And you can remain yourself too.

It simply means that love doesn’t need to become possession.

So Ask Yourself This

The next time you find yourself thinking, – “I can’t live without this person,”

Don’t judge yourself. And ask:

• When I am with them, do I feel more like myself or less like myself?
• Can I be honest with them gently without being afraid they will leave?
• Do I love who this person really is, or am I holding on to who I hope they will become because I want something from them?

Attachment Doesn’t Mean Your Love Wasn’t Real

Most of us have learned our ideas about love from somewhere.

From our childhood. From our parents. From our experiences. From relationships that hurt us. From the things we didn’t receive. And sometimes we carry those experiences into new relationships without realising it.

We may think we are choosing a person. But sometimes we are trying to recreate an old emotional experience and finally get a different ending.

We don’t always choose the same person. We choose the same feeling in a different person.

Love Is Not About Holding On

It is being able to care for someone without losing yourself. It is being able to respect and be kind to them even when they disagree.

It is being able to support them without controlling them.

It is being able to appreciate them without needing them to constantly prove their love.

It is you being able to say: “I want you in my life. But I don’t want to lose myself to keep you in it. Hope you are ok with it”.

That, to me, is where love begins to feel different from attachment.

You don’t have to stop loving someone. You just have to stop using their attachment for your own hidden motives and start being honest with yourself and with them about what you truly want. Because love needs honesty from both sides.

Love & Light,
Vishnupriya ✨

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Love & Light,
Vishnupriya